English FA Introduced new rules for Man Utd Matches - JOKE

FA - Ferguson Association 

# Rule 1 - Any contact with Man Utd players inside the box is a penalty

# Rule 2 - Any Player who scores against man Utd will be banned for 3 matches since it cause psychological abuse to Man Utd Captain Patrice Evra

# Rule 3 - Chelsea and Newcastle should change the color of their kits since black color will cause Man Utd players a distraction  

# Rule 4 - Opponents players will get a yellow card for penalty appeals against Man Utd .

# Rule 5 - Man Utd players can Handle the ball . 

# Rule 6 - Man Utd Goalkeepers can touch the ball with their hand anywhere on the field (Irrespective of Inside or outside the box)

# Rule 7 - Howard Webb be the referee for all Man Utd Matches

# Rule 8 - Players have to request Man Utd players for giving the ball . Any Tackle or Push on Man Utd players will result in straight red

# Rule 9 - Blackburn should change their name to stay in the league . The word black in their is causing a distraction to United players

# Rule 10 - Any player dribbling past Evra will be accused for racist allegations !!

" Any Team still managing to beat Man utd will be relegated since everyone know its impossible to beat Man Utd without cheating  & yeah additional 35 points will be awarded to Man Utd every season becoz of their fair play  " 

Movies that describe footballers - Joke

 The Devils Reject- Andy Carroll & Fernando Torres

                                           
1. The Devils Reject- Andy Carroll & Fernando Torres

2. A Beautiful Mind- Arsene Wenger

3. Ice Age 3: Return of The Dinosaurs- Stoke City FC

4. Bride Wars- Suarez & Evra

5. The Terminator- Thomas Vermaelen

6. Diving With Sharks- Sergio Busquets

7. Planet of The Apes- Gareth Bale

8. The Specialist- Dennis Bergkamp

9. Lord of The Rings: The Return of The King- Thierry Henry & Scholes

10. Slum dog Millionaire- Samir Nasri

11. Catch Me If You Can- Theo Walcott

12.Scarface- Carlos Tevez & Frank Ribery

13. My Boss' Daughter- Sergio Aguero

14. Top Gun- RVP

15. Stuart Little- Andre Arshavin

16. Chamber of Secrets- Alex Oxlade Chamberlain

17. Shrek - Rooney 

MANU v/s LIVERPOOL : Five Incidents which are most likely to happen

 

1 . Welbeck will fall down on pitch atleast 10 times

                           This Man United lad is physically handicapped and is so weak that he cant stay on his feet for more than 10 minutes . No physical contact is needed for him to fell down . Dont call him a diver he fells down bcoz of  trap holes in opponents box which is invisible to others .
(50 % of Man Utd penalties this year is awarded for a foul on welbeck # fact ) 

2. Goal to Suarez or Rooney 

                           Either Rooney or Suarez or may be both of them has a chance to find the back of the net . Two lads will be on their inspired best tomorrow . Controversies make them sharp .

3. A goal keeping blunder
                        Pepe Reina and David De gea well well well both of them known for their blunders . Do I need to say more !!!!

4. Referee Mistakes
                               Phil Dowd will be officiating the match and high profile matches are likely to be filled with refereeing blunders . Trust me that blunder might be helping Manchester United .
( 95 % refereeing blunders in matches relating Man Utd goes in favor to the Red Devils. Dont know why ??? Well played or WELL PAID # fact ) 

5.  Controversies

              This is not a surprise most of the matches between Man United and Liverpool ends in high controversies . Man Utd might get another referee as their legend or Liverpool might get  another victim .

Most probable After match reactions

If man Utd win the match
Kenny Daglish " Its always hard to play 11 against 12 and get a result  "

If Liverpool win the match
Sir Alex " Its impossible to defeat Liverpool without Vidic , Nani And Howard Webb "

Final Champions League Spot

Four teams are fighting for that all important UCL spot - Chelsea , NewCastle , Liverpool and Arsenal Lets see who has the highest Chance for finishing in that spot .

Newcastle 

Positives - Alan Padrew , Demba Ba , Ryan Taylor , Tim Krul 

                                                 They play stylish Football . They have one of the best striker in the league . A super goal keeper and a creative defender in the form of Ryan Taylor . Their chances of finishing in that top four position depends on the form of Demba Ba.

  Negative- absence of Steven Taylor , strength of squad
                                  Steven Taylor will certainly be missed . They dont have a very big squad to cope up with the Big Guns . One or two injuries their hope are done

Verdict - Newcastle has the least chance of finishing in that top 4 position . Their squad strength  will be an Issue .

Liverpool

Positives - Steven Gerrard , Luiz Suarez , Bellamy & performance against Big Teams
                                                       The return of Steven Gerrard and Luiz suarez could be vital for Liverpool chances for finishing in top four. Only Man City (among top 4) had defeated Liverpool this year . they won 2 against Chelsea , 1 against Arsenal , 1 against Man Utd , 1 against City . This is the form that a team need to be in top four get vital points against rivals . 

Negatives - Andy Carroll , Performance against weak team , Poor assist from wingers .

                                                   Liverpool's performance against lower teams is a real concern , even last placed Bolton were able to walk away with all three points against them . Andy Carroll poor finishing could cost them badly . Downing and Henderson are not upto their mark still..

Verdict - 6th place + League cup

Arsenal 

Postives - RVP , Gervinho , Oxlade Chamberlien
                                                      RVP is on his career best form in Arsenal , The return of Gervinho from ANC is going to have a great effect on this team . and finally Oxlade Chamberlien . Like Arsene wenger has predicted before 2012 is going to Ox year , early signs shows that this prediction is going to be strong .

Negative - Inconsistent form and lack of luck
                                      Their inconsistent form, will win 7-1 today and lose 8-2 tomorrow , their season is like that . and spring isn't the good time for Arsenal , League leaders at this time last year and finished 4th at the end of the season .

Verdict - 5th or 4th (Depends upon the form of RVP and Ox )

Chelsea
Positives - Return of Essien , Juan Mata ,  return of Drogba , Spring  season
              Drogba's return from ANC could be a vital factor in Chelsea's UCL spot . This 33yr old striker's performance in ANC proves that there is still some fire left in him . Chelsea really had missed a player like Michael Essien through out the season . This box to box Midfielder could be vital . The inspiring form of Juan Mata  probably the signing of the season , Spring always favours Chelsea  were in a similar position last year still manage to bounce back and finish second .

Negative -  Dead weight , AVB ,Torres & Poor Conversion rate 
                                            Lack of efficient striker is affecting Chelsea badly . Chelsea and Manchester city have highest number of chances created and has the highest ball possession . 
when it come to percentage of chances converted they are sitting in 13th . Torres form has to  improve drastically . and Sturridge should know when to pass the ball . Likes of Malouda are doing good than bad . They could have played better with 10 men than having him as 11th one .

Verdict - 4th or 5th (Depends on Drogba's form and AVB's courage to bench important players)


# Interesting fact - Not even a single goal is scored by Chelsea strikers in 2012  still they are unbeaten this year .

Chelsea 3-3 Man Utd - Jokes

Worthy 12th Man

Pre match
#  ► Man Utd XI against Chelsea - De Gea, Rafael, Evans, Ferdinand, Evra, Valencia, Carrick, Giggs, Young, Welbeck,HOWARD WEBB, Rooney.

#  Howard webb would be awarded captains armband for Man Utd in their match against Chelsea 

#  Howard webb vowed Old trafford faithful that he would be back to his top form again. He is set to start for Man Utd in their match against Chelsea

Match 
#  now i understood why manu didnt buy so many players.....actualy they paid too much for referee

#  That cheeky halftime BJ that Fergie gave Howard Webb definitely paid off"- Mario Balotelli

#  Arsenal Fans: We Don't Need Batman, We Have Robin
Man United Fans: We Don't Need Spiderman, We Have Webb

#   ‎" I was thinking of taking the penalty myself, but it's a team game after all" - Howard Webb

# Stupid  Chelsea fans threatening to trash Howard Webb's car. Dont they know he travels on the United team bus 

Now the biggest joke of all 

We deserved two more penalties - Alex Ferguson