Liverpool 2-1 Man United - JOKES

Dirk Kyut celebrating after scoring the winning goal against Man Utd 

# I would rather have a lampost in goal than having De Gea Under it - Alex Ferguson

# KENNY , Wenger , Fergie , Redknapp and Boas sitting in a pub .Wenger goes and buys the first round of drinks , Boas second , Redknapp 3rd , Fergie 4th and Kenny buys the next but fergie complains "Where's mine ?!" kenny replies "Sorry Pal, this is the 5th round and your not in it "...

# BREAKING NEWS: Dirk Kuyt is going to be suspended for 15 games for psychologically abusing Patrice Evra by scoring against his team

# Man Utd Fans slams Alex Ferguson for resting his key players in their match against Liverpool . Absence of Howard Webb and Chris foy was clearly visible through out the tie .

# Panasonic LED 11256 Euros 
Extra comfort Cushion 1346Euros 
Watching Man Utd losing due to Evra's Mistake ~ priceless

#  Its always tough to Visit Anfeild without Rooney, Nani and Chris Foy . 
( Alex Ferguson after Liverpool defeat )

#  The FA cup Match b/w Liverpool and Manchester United has been switched to Old Trafford due to a request from referee Howard Webb who said it was the only venue where he could ensure fairplay and get away with it 

A Competition - Manchester United Fans Joke

Default Champions since 1992 

DO YOU COME FROM MANCHESTER ?

DO YOU HAVE RELATIVES IN MANCHESTER ?

DO YOU LIVE NEAR MANCHESTER ?


If you say NO to these three questions, you are an ideal person to become a fan of MANCHESTER UNITED


Yes, this is your big chance to join the ever-growing army of glory hunters who can be seen around the country in the colours of The Sc*m. To join the newly-formed club, simply send in a map with a cross marking where you think the city of Manchester is. In the unlikely event of there being two correct entries and thus a tie, fill in the tie-break question at the bottom of the page.
* YOU COULD WIN *


FIRST PRIZE: Brand new, 'S' registration Ford Bandwagon for you and the others to jump on. This prestige vehicle comes with many features, including stereo radio ( pre-set to come on at 4:45pm every Saturday as you, of course, won't be at the game ).


SECOND PRIZE: One years supply of new design Manchester United shirts. These will be despatched to you weekly.


THIRD PRIZE: A complete supply of Manchester United programmes from the games that you have attended. Both will be sent in the same envelope.
Tie Breaker ( in no more than 12 words )


I feel it necessary to follow a football team that I have absolutely no connection with because: ...................................................................... ......................................................................
Name: ...........................
Address: ........................ ........................ ........................
Age:....... Mental Age:.......
As this page is about Manchester United and their supporters who are incredibly stupid I would like to point out that the above competition is a joke and should not be taken seriously!!

PS : I found it another page . I didn't own anything . Just sharing it with my readers  

EPL Top 7 Banter jokes of 2011

1. A police man found a guy climbing the walls of old trafford . . He caught him and send him back o watch the whole match .
( After man United (1-6 )defeat to mancity )

2. Hello AVB what's the MATA ? you guys look TERRYfived
( After 5-3 defeat of Chelsea against arsenal )

3. I really 8 2 be an arsenal fan now
(after 8-2 defeat of arsenal against man utd )

4. Dad - Man United knocked out by Barcelona again
Son - its Basel !
(after man United exit at UCL )

5 . WE lost bcoz The name BLACKburn offended and distracted us . The whole team is a racist - Evra
(after man Uniteds defeat against blackburn )

6. My Computer has David De Gea virus . It doesn't save anything

7. Who needs a theater of dreams when we have a crystal palace !
(after United's defeat against Crystal palace )

English Premier League : Worst XI of 2011

1. De Gea ( Goal Keeper ) - He might be young but he failed to deliver according to his reputation .

2. Jose Bosingwa ( Right Back ) - He might be good at attacking but he is never a good a defender . His team Chelsea had only 2 clean sheet while he is playing .

3. Johnny Evans ( Center back ) - He is a disaster for most part of the season . His sending off against city was just a glimpse of rather poor season from this Irish man .

4. David luiz ( center back ) - His Lapse of concentration is a major blow for Chelsea , Almost got sent off against Newcastle, Gifted a penalty for QPR and so many more .

5. Santos ( left Back ) - Another version of Bosingwa - too good at attacking too bad at defending  

6. Stewart Downing ( AML ) - 0 assists and 0 goals is not what Liverpool wants from their first team left winger . 

7. Arshavin ( AMC ) - Once a world class player . now a fringe player . The least said the more better .

8. Anderson (MC) - Stepped into the shoes of Paul Scholes and failed miserably. 

9. John obi Mikel (DMC) - Once a first team player now in the bench and soon out of the team .

10. Theo Walcott (AMR)- Inconsistency is the problem. plays like a champ one day  and simply lurk around the other .

11. Andy Carroll (STC)- 2 EPL goals and 0 assists for 35 Million  . Do I need to say more ? 

Andy Carroll or Fernando Torres . Which one is the real waste of money ?

Both of them Failed to perform as per their price tag

In 41 appearances for Chelsea (13 as sub) Fernando Torres had scored 5 goals . Andy Carroll has got 6 goals for Liverpool (33 apps) . But 3 out of six goals of Andy Carroll came against low profile oppositions .
Torres has 10 assists for Chelsea where as Carroll has none.


Chelsea paid 50 million for pricing out Nando from Liverpool . Torres performance for Chelsea was a real let down 5 goals &10 assists is not what Chelsea fans expecting from this former Ballon d'or runner up . The good thing is Torres still have the backing of Chelsea fans . But in Andy Carroll's case the scene is different . 35 million paid for a player ( ya he is young ) 6 goals and 0  assists which shows exactly how poor Carroll was for Liverpool. Even the Liverpool fans were frustrated with his performance for the team .


Financially Which deal is better 

Torres deal of 50 M  financially helped Chelsea a lot . Torres is the name that  most number of Chelsea fans request in their Replica shirts . Where as  Liverpool took a bloody gamble on signing Carroll . 35 million for a player who has a premier division experience of just 6 months. That gamble failed badly financially and performance wise . Torres deal helped to boost Chelsea's merchandising anot just in Asia but all across Asia. Sources show that the merchandising index between Torres and Carroll is 240 x . ie. 240 Torres replica kit / One Carrol replica kit  so far world wide . Chelsea got almost 48% of the money they invested on Torres within one year . 

Conclusion

Torres deal was the better deal among these two  .  ( Its an under statement ) 

Football Joke - Part 8 ( Liverpool 1 - 6 Man Utd )

Manchester United's march towards the Premiership title continued today with a stunning display at Old Trafford. The Super Reds went ahead just before the kick-off when Giggs was sent away down the left wing. His cross was handled on the half way line by a Liverpool defender and a penalty was awarded for this cynical foul. Wayne Rooney stepped up to slot the ball home for United's 33rd penalty of the season. It was no more than United deserved. 


The 15th minute saw the Super-Smashing Reds go two up after Steven Gerrard was penalised for coughing just outside the area. Luis Nani's resultant free kick was slightly miss-hit, but even if the keeper was not being pinned to the floor by Phil Jones, he would not have saved it. 2-0. It was no more than United deserved. 

The 21st minute saw more trouble for Liverpool when Steven Gerrard was sent-off for enquiring about the referee's Man United shirt. However two minutes after the interval Liverpool struck back after an amazing piece of good fortune. The referee's assistant could only parry Maxi Rodriguz' shot and Luiz Suarez thumped the ball home. Confusion reigned for 10 minutes as the entire Manchester United squad surrounded the referee, arguing that the referee's assistant had been fouled 15 minutes earlier. The referee grudgingly had to give the goal even though he racked his brain for a reason to disallow it. 

Alex Ferguson was furious and rushed down from his seat in the stand to the dugout, Fortunately, things settled down again as Hernandez took a long-range shot, which deflected off the corner flag but had clearly crossed the line, 3-1. It was no more than United deserved. 

Wayne Rooney slotted home number 4 from the penalty spot after Agger went down with a broken leg. Fortunately Valencia was nearby when it happened and, after running 50 yards, he was able to bring the incident to the referee's attention. Unfazed by Aggers's cynical tactics, protruding bone and spraying blood, the referee sent him off for diving (and time wasting) and awarded United the penalty. Ryan Giggs cheekily chipped the ball over the keeper and the crossbar, but the referee decided that it was a goal, because based on past records, Ryan Giggs rarely missed. 

When the final whistle went after 33 minutes of injury time, Liverpool traipsed off with their heads low, having been taught a footballing lesson by what is by far the greatest team the World has ever seen. As the losers hit the showers, a superb flowing movement by United culminated with a fine diving header by Alex Ferguson and it was 5-1. However the referee decided that it was such a good goal, it should count double. 

6-1 then - and it was no more than United deserved.

Football Jokes ~ Part 7 ( Andy Carroll edition )

# Why does Stewart Downing have 0 assists? 'Coz he only passes to Andy Carroll

# Aston villa rejected liverpool's (25million + andy carrol) bid for darren bent saying that they want only 25 million

# Kenny : " Andy Carrol is our wonder Boy . Everytime he plays I wonder why I signed him

# Liverpool Youngster Raheem Sterling Gets Two Women Pregnant In Two Weeks .

He should be a first team starter. It is clear to me that he scores more than Andy Carroll

#  "I am shocked and disappointed."
The Liverpool captain responds to news that Andy Carroll will not be sold in January


#  I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. "I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."
"Fine," I said, "I want to die when Andy Carroll scores a hatrick ."
"You crafty Human!" said the fairy.

Football joke - Part 6 ( Fifa 12 edition )

1 . FIFA 12 achievement Unlocked  ~ Save a shot with De Gea

2. FIFA 12 achievement Unlocked  ~ stay on feet with Suarez

3. FIFA 12 achievement Unlocked ~ Score a goal with Torres ( beginner )

4. FIFA 12 achievement Unlocked  ~ Score a goal with Carrol ( Professional)

5. FIFA 12 achievement Unlocked  ~ Miss Like torres ( expert )

6. FIFA 12 achievement Unlocked  ~ defeat Barca with Man United

7. FIFA 12 achievement Unlocked ~ make a prono featuring giggs

8. FIFA 12 achievement Unlocked  ~ win champions league with Chelsea

9. FIFA 12 achievement Unlocked  ~ Win Epl with Liverpool

10. FIFA 12 achievement Unlocked ~ Win a Silverware with Arsenal  

11. FIFA 12 achievement Unlocked  ~ Catch a ball with Robert green 

Game modes

# Torres mode - Strikers cant score a goal

# De gea mode - Goal keepers dont save 

# Howard Webb mode - All refereeing decisions biased to Man united  

# Chris foy mode - Referees are blind 

# Downing mode ~ no goals or assists by your wingers

# Ferguson mode ~ injury time until you win 

# Wenger mode ~ Key players will leave you at the end of the season 

# Mancini mode ~ Unlimited transfer budget

Chris Foy - A Disgrace or Another Webb in making

Scenario 1 : 23rd October 2011

Man United lost to Mancity , Chelsea with a chance to climb above them in  the league with a win over QPR . Two Chelsea players were sent off  controversially in that match . QPR was given a Controversial penalty . Petr Cech was the only Chelsea player left in the feild without a card .9 men Chelsea lost to QPR 1-0.
THE REFEREE WAS CHRIS FOY .

Scenerio 2 - 11th December 2011

Tottenham with a chance to close the gap between Man United to 2 points with a game in hand . A Tottenham goal which was atleast 1 yard onside was ruled out offside. Younus Kaboul Sent off ( god knows why ) . A shot on target was kept out by a Stokes defender using his hand ( I repeat Using his Hand ) .
No Red Card No Penalty . Eventually Tottenham Lost the match 1-2 . THE REFEREE WAS CHRIS FOY.

Scenerio 3 -  8th January 2012

Manchester city v/s Man United FA cup match . Man United after a back to back  loss . A must win situation for For Sir Alex . Man city begin the match brilliantly . United scored against the flow of the game . Mancity Captain Vincent Kompany was sent off for a two footed tackle on Nani . Replays showed that Kompany got the tackle fair and square . Man United took advantage of that extra men scored 3 . But City was never ready to give up . They fought back with remaining ten men and clawed two goals. In the end A man city shot hits Phil Jones hand inside the penalty box . Replays showed it was a penalty but the referee waved his hand .
Man United won it 3-2 . THE REFEREE WAS CHRIS FOY.

Through out this season CHRIS FOY was there at red devils help whenever its needed  . Either directly or Indirectly . Well what to Say your new signing rocks Sir alex . There should be a statue of Foy outside Old Tarfford stadium .

Football Jokes ~ Part 5 (Mancity v Man United FACUP edition)

Manchester United's club shop has just released its sales figures which indicate that 'Chris Foy' is now the most requested name on the back of their replica shirts . He replaced Howard Webb from his perch who has been holding this record since 2003


MAN UNITED's STAR PERFORMER IN THE MATCH WAS OLDER THAN GIGGS .  HIS NAME IS CHRIS FOY


The awkward moment when Paul Scholes comes out of retirement and gifting the ball to opponent resulting in scoring 

ALEX FERGUSON : THERE WILL BE NO JANUARY BUYING
MANCINI : WHAT ABOUT CHRIS FOY YOU IDIOT


My Mom always Say " Bad Kompany spoils the show "


THAT 1-6 BRAGGING LASTED ONLY 2-3 MONTHS 

Football Jokes ~ Part 4 (ManUnited loss to Newcastle edition 3-0)

What a Magic Goal was that . Take a bow son take a bow

1. Evra: "We lost because Newcastle is a racist club!! The entire team and supporters wore BLACK jersey which offended and distracted us. "

2. BA BA black sheep have u any goal?
Yes sir yes sir 3 bags full.
one for Demba Ba, one for Cabaye,
one for Phiiil Jones in his own goal

3.  Even Webb Was unable to Save United 
4.  Webb Was By Far d best Performer of Man Utd today . Saved a penalty , Awarded a Freekick for Manutd ( foul by Ferdinand ) And allowed Giggs to stay in the pitch after a Career threatening Foul . No Can replace The Legend 

5.  Coleen is a Slapper, 
she wears a wonder bra, 
and when she's shaggin Rooney, 
she thinks of Demba Ba !!!

6.  In the wake of Manchester United's embarrassing defeat to Newcastle, Sir Alex Ferguson Slammed one of his main players who underperformed on the night. "I'm very disappointed in your performance, you missed several easy opportunities for us to score and we were punished." 

"I'm sorry, it won't happen again", replied Howard Webb 

Funny Football Jokes ~ Part 3 ( De Gea edition )

David de Gea - making Emile Heskey look good since August 2011

Evra : "Whole team is behind De gea "
Well that's a good place to stand if De Gea misses like that

My Computer has a "David De Gea" Virus . It don't save anything

What time is it?
      oh, its 6 past De Gea!

what's the difference between a cab driver and man utd?
                   Cab drivers only let in five

HELOO, HELOO POLICE! IVE BEEN RAPED BY A BUNCH OF IMMIGRANTS"..
"what is your name? sir?"..."DAVID,DAVID DE GEA".....
Manchester united have setup a helpline, for those affected by tdz score. Just call 0-16-16-16

Maybe SAF can persuade de Gea to think that the ball was a donut. Maybe that way, he will steal the ball more often 

Funny Football Jokes - Howard Webb edition

Howard Webb - A Man United Legend

• 
  
  BREAKING TRANSFER NEWS : " Howard Webb Not for sale ~ Alex Ferguson " 
  
  Manchester United Starting XI: Lindegaard, Valencia, Evra, Carrick, Jones, Giggs, Rooney, Nani, Welbeck, HOWARD WEBB , Hernandez, Berbatov 
   
   Howard Webb set to make his return to Man United line Up Today Against NEWCASTLE . Sir Alex was forced to Use his Key Player as they cant afford further slip ups
   
   Q: What's the difference between Howard Webb and a Vibrator?
  A: Howard Webb  is a real dick
  
  
  Man United Player of the Season ~ Howard Webb 
   
  After dropping points against Blackburn Sir Alex decided to bring back legend Webb to his line up against Newcastle
  
  Since Wayne Rooney Is Injured Sir Alex Forcdd to play with Berbatov And Webb Up front 
   
  JT will get into trouble for using a derogatory term on webb, called him a utd player 
   
  I couldn't afford a gift for my son for Christmas, so I've just bought him a blank dvd and wrote, '' Webb's fair refereeing moments '' on it. 
  

Didier Drogba Joins 150 Club . But is he a Chelsea legend ?

Didier Drogba : 150 and still counting 


Didier Drogba cemented his name in Chelsea folklore with his 150th goal for the club  . Its often forget that through the good and the bad Drogba has now been at Chelsea nearly 8 years and been a key component in the most successful period of their  history.  So this leaves me in a quandary, given his Jeckyll and hide nature is Didier Drogba a Chelsea legend? . Drogba, who joined Chelsea from Olympique Marseille for a fee of 24 million pounds in 2004, has won three Premier League titles at the club.  On his game he is one of the most feared strikers in the world, he is strong, technically brilliant with a keen eye from goal that makes him a threat either attacking or defending . His goals and matchwinning performances that have won him and Chelsea accolades and trophies.

 However there have always been incidents that have dented his reputation with Chelsea fans.  These are also punctuated with some less than impressive media displays from him and his agent in which he has stated that he has wanted to leave on more than one occasion, only to reverse himself or sign a new contract

I think that in time and his medals and records will speak for themselves and he will be regarded as one of the greatest strikers in our history and a legend . Well Maybe he is already regarded as one of the greatest strikers of all time